Bitterness. Vincent, AL. An Ugly Affair. Restoration.

“Because a God who is ultimately most focused on His own glory will be about the business of restoring us, who are all broken images of Him. His glory demands it. So we should be thankful for a self-sufficient God whose self-regard is glorious.”- The Explicit Gospel, Matt Chandler

It's been a minute. A long minute.

It is almost mid-summer and wow, has nothing gone as planned. As I type this, I have to keep reminding myself to be honest, instead of what I want to do so badly which is to paint some kind of portrait of a life that I can boast about or at least feel comfortable sharing with the world. And maybe that's why I've stayed away from this stupid blog for so long. This last spring and what little summer has passed, has revealed a heart of dissatisfaction and distrust with Jesus and his ability to sustain me. Bleh, that didn't sound too church-y. But most of our genuine thoughts don't, do they? Ya see, cause if they did, we probably wouldn't need Him as much as we claim to. Well, I'm here to say, I desperately do. Need Him that is. Because today, I'm moving back to the town that has haunted me since graduation, when I left and swore I'd never look back.

Since, taking summer classes at UAB last year, I promised myself that would be the last time I come home for the summer. The only reason I did, was because I had lived in a dorm my Freshman year of college and had nowhere to live until the Fall. Well this summer rolled around, and my plan was to get a job here in Auburn and have a fabulous time during the first period of my college life where I finally wasn't going to be enrolled in classes. I failed to account for some unexpected financial changes.

First, we all know I switched majors. There goes two more years of paying for college with money I don't have. But that alone was alright, I could swallow that pill.

Then, I, for what I thought were good reasons, left my stable, well-paying job at Lancome.

Me right after I quit:

Me looking back:

 

 Then, on my way to my first interview of many, this happened.

No insurance on that.

Where my head hit the windshield.

After the wreck, things went downhill pretty fast. The hours I'd stay in bed became longer. The times I'd ignore texts and calls from friends became more frequent than not. The daily conversations with Jesus became fewer, which then became weekly talks, which eventually became sporadic shoutouts.

Then, I received news of a potential job at a law-firm that would pay well and guarantee 40 hours a week for the duration of the summer. The catch: it was in Birmingham. So if I took the job, I'd have to live back at home until August, which was enough for me to throw away the opportunity without hesitation. But being broke, without a job, without a car, and about to be without a place to live since my lease runs out early, I had to make the tough decision to come back home for the rest of the summer. For most people, this wouldn't be an issue. But it is for me.

If you've read the tab titled, "Truths" then you know my highschool experience was less than thrilling. And in a tiny town like Vincent where there's whispers around each corner simply because there's nothing else to do, it's hard to escape ruined reputations, judgmental stares, and just haunted memories. I wasn't a likeable or forgiving person before Jesus, and I burned may bridges, if not all of them. I dread going back. I know it hurts my mum for me to say that, but it has nothing to do with my family. It's just filled with terrible memories of days where I would have rather done anything than leave my house out of fear of who I'd see, what they'd heard, and whether they believed it or not. Most times, I didn't have to wonder though, they'd make their feelings about me known. So being the coward I am, the times I go back to visit have become fewer and fewer. Until now.

Hahahaha wow. As I was typing the paragraph above, I was listening to a recording of Matt Chandler's tour of his latest book, The Explicit Gospel. {Click Here if Interested} And I am not lying to you, the minute I placed the period at the end of that last sentence this is what I heard:

"No one has lied to you, deceived you, betrayed you, and caused you more pain than you have. No one."

Ah. That one hurt. Ugh. Because it's true. Always has been..but crap, it's been so obvious lately.

The Lord is sovereign, and I seriously have got to come to terms with the fact that I am never in a place that He didn't purposefully put me in. I have trust issues with the only One proven trustworthy! It is so dumb, because He's never let me down or left me without a way out. I've (very recently) been searching for escape in many outlets that have ended in disappointment and have probably made people question whether my love for the Lord is genuine. And that sucks you guys, it sucks really bad, but praise God there is mercy, forgiveness, and restoration for me: a regenerate sinner who knows the Truth yet still rejects it and decides to do things my own way, more times than not. I read the book of Hosea this morning. Gomer, Hosea's wife, left him to seek love and affection from other men. And despite her purposeful betrayal, God commands Hosea to return to his unfaithful wife and love her despite what she's doing. In my head, I was just like, why would God command Hosea to do that? She wasn't remorseful, or repentant. It wasn't in the past, it was in the present, she was CURRENTLY in adultery when God spoke the command to Hosea. I mean, adultery is one of the few, if not the only, grounds for divorce in God's eyes. Yet here, he demands that Hosea restore the relationship with Gomer? And love her? Are you kidding me? Then it hit me. They would become a living, breathing lesson of the Lord’s relationship with His people, who at that same time were still steeped in spiritual adultery. Yet the Lord still loved them and restored them. {Hosea 3} And as His daughter, this is the greatest news. I have been the wretch in the marriage, the unfaithful one, the adulterer, the unsatisfied, the ungrateful; to put it bluntly, the whore. And even in my most blatant betrayal, He has been the ever-forgiving, ever-merciful, ever-loving Father who woos me back into His arms every time I begin to wander.

It's going to be tough to go back. It may be very unpleasant at times, no doubt. And honestly, I am still pretty unhappy about it. However, in my loneliest moments, I know I can rest in the overwhelming, undeserved, full and loving acceptance of the only opinion that matters, my Dad's.

Soon after Saint Augustine's conversion, he was walking down the street in Milan, Italy. There he met a prostitute whom he had known. She called but he would not answer. He kept right on walking. "Augustine," she called again. "It is I!"

Without missing a beat and with the assurance of Christ in his heart, he replied, "Yes, but it is no longer I."

Guess what? I struggle with self-righteousness! Related: I'm in Interior Design now, and God loves me just the same.

The story behind how I went from this:

to this:

I am no stranger to self-righteousness. I've been slaving away at creating something to be proud of for most of my life. One huge example is in my education and career path. For as long as I can remember, this has been my viewpoint on the common grading system:

A = Amount to Something
B = Barely impressive
C = Contemptible
D = Deficient
F = Failure

My worth wasn't solely dependent on how intelligent I was on paper though but also on how intelligent I appeared in others' eyes. Thing is, my few years in a public school did not cooperate with me on that. I remember my entire senior class enraged at my ACT score, convinced that I had to have cheated to make a score that high. I wasn't smart enough for what I had made. And some of you may say, "Well, why did you care what they thought? You knew you had achieved that score, wasn't that enough?" No, it wasn't. If nobody believed in my abilities, my abilities were worthless. And that's how I felt.

When I graduated high school, it only changed slightly.

I decided I was going into the medical field. I would show everyone how smart I really was. I would have something to be proud of. I would have something that others would be proud of. It wasn't really a passion of mine, but that didn't matter. I would make it a passion of mine. I would spend the rest of my life '"selflessly" and "sacrificially" dedicating my life to the wellfare of others.' That sounded pretty darn good - A life of Success, Intelligence, Respect, Worth, Money, and Achievements.

Everytime someone would ask me about my plans for the future, the little flame of my self-righteousness would be fueled just a little bit more. "Oh, me? I'm majoring in Microbiology." "Finishing my undergrad at Auburn, and probably going up North for PA School. Maybe get my Masters." "Yea, I'm going to be a PA." And it never failed. That face everyone would make. That response everyone would give. "Wow, you must be smart!" My mouth would be saying, "Oh no...I just work really hard...I know all these long hours and sleepless nights will be worth it one day when I'm saving lives." But my heart was saying, "You bet your bottom dollar I am, thank you for ackknowledging it." Of course, I never credited my desire to be a PA to my pride, my lack of feeling worthy, or my self-righteousness. I wasn't just fooling everybody else, I was also fooling myself.

I spent the past two years silenty serving in misery, my goal at achieving false fulfillment and satisfaction. That is, until I begun to realize my worth was in something completely different; something completely out of my hands and dependent of  my opinion of myself or others.

Last fall, the thought of abandoning my fortress of lies began creeping into my brain. I pushed it away as if it were a filthy diseased thought. Since then, God has been slowly but steadily ripping my pathetic blockade apart. I wasn't able to change any aspect of my life until He changed aspects of my heart. I couldn't leave my plans of becoming a PA behind, until my feelings of importance didn't rely on it. And that was something only He could change. As my relationship with Him grew closer, dark and nasty sides of my heart began to be revealed and it shocked me and left me feeling bare and exposed. But as soon as the dirty rags were ripped off, He replaced them with the warmest, most luxurious robe - freedom. Freedom to be who He created me to be.

Freedom to feel free.

"Our flesh yearns for works, for the merits of self-righteousness, so it’s hard work to make ourselves rest in the finished work of Christ." - Jared Wilson, theresurgence.com

That couldn't be more true.

I left Microbiology behind. I am now in the Interior Design program at Auburn and have tacked on two more years on to my college life, but it's been the greatest leap of faith I've taken thus far. I don't get the same reactions when I tell people what I'm doing. They aren't "wowed" by my major. In fact, I got quite a lot of remarks in the beginning about "taking the easy route" or "giving up." And in a sense, those people are right. I am giving up. I'm giving up on trying to achieve the unachievable. I'm giving up on trying to keep the monster of pride and self-fulfillment fueled inside. I'm giving up on trying to appear like a "good person." Because that, my friends, is something I will never be. My worth isn't in the grades I make, my major, or what career path I choose. It's in the One who created me, the One who died in my place, and the One who breathed life into my otherwise dead and joyless existence. I don't have to slave away at serving myself. I can joyfully, thankfully, and freely serve Him. He has come to rid us of the chains we put ourselves in, and give us true happiness and fulfillment in glorifying Him.

“Our need for worth is so powerful that whatever we base our identity and value on we essentially 'deify.' We will look to it with all the passion and intensity of worship and devotion, even if we think ourselves as highly irreligious. ”
― Timothy Keller

If your mother, sister, or daughter was currently being held captive as somebody's own personal sex slave, how far would you go to rescue them?

 
The number one crime worldwide

The average age of a victim is 13 years old

Children as young as four

Forced to serve as many as 40 men a day

A child is trafficked every 30 seconds

In Greece 1,838 women and children are sold for sex every day

{That's one sale every 47 seconds}

Pornography is a 96 billion dollar per year industry

Human Trafficking is a 32 billion dollar per year industry

Over 27 million people are enslaved around the world

This is more than double the number of Africans enslaved during the Trans-Atlantic slave trade.

There are more slaves today than there has ever been in the history of mankind.

Human Trafficking is a global issue that God has recently laid on my heart. I've been aware of the problem of sex slavery for awhile now, but it didn't really become a burden on my heart until I went to the Passion Conference in Atanta, GA, at the beginning of this month.

I don't quite know for sure what God is leading me to do when it comes to serving in this area but I do know of three things we can all do starting now.

1. PRAY

Earnestly. Constantly. Boldly.

Pray as if it were your own niece, mother, sister, daughter.

2. TELL OTHERS

One of the biggest barriers to fighting this issue is the fact that nobody knows about it. It's so important for us to spread awareness because if nobody knows about it, how are we going to solve it?

3. GIVE

A worldwide rescue mission needs funding. Simple as that. You may not think you have anything to contribute or an amount that would make a difference but you are so wrong. During Passion a bunch of poor college students came together and our hearts were moved. Within 4 days, we came up with $3.3 million dollars solely for one purpose - the fight for freedom. If we as a church and as a nation join together, the possibilities are endless. It's time to take a stand. Go here to do something now.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

The following is as close to accurate of a portrayal of what is going on daily in the lives of women, men, boys, and girls around the world and even in our own backyards, as I can get. It will not be enjoyable to watch, but the truth is necessary to accept if we want change. Warning: The video is highly disturbing. But then again, so is the problem.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.”
― William Wilberforce

I'm not a "good" Christian. I will never be. And I don't have to be.

When I started this blog last year after God revealed Himself to me and poured out His grace and mercy on my life when I was at the bottom of bottoms, I falsely thought my life would be completely different. I just knew that all my troubles would quickly be replaced with poots and rainbows and I could brag to the world of how much my life had changed. My depression was going to go away soon! My life was going to be great! I was going to be good!

Hahaha "I was going to be good." What a joke

Well. Just to set the record straight - I'm not good. I still struggle with depression. I completely bombed last semester in school. I still struggle with my weight and resisting the temptation to listen to the lies accompanied with eating disorders. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm still as sinful and depraved as I've ever been.

And I am laughing as I write this. Because I'm not defined by anything above and my salvation isn't dependent on anything I can do or what I can self-will myself not to do. I want to earn it so bad sometimes, but plain and simple, I can't. No amount of good is going to cancel out the bad. I am not a slave to sin, I am a slave to righteousness, not by my own efforts but solely by what Jesus did on the Cross.

I've avoided this blog because I felt like my life was getting so messy, that in no way could it represent Christ the way it should. People should read it and be like, "WOW. SHE WAS AT THE BOTTOM AND NOW SHE'S AT THE TOP!" Guys - not even close to the top, wherever "the top" is. I said I'd be honest when I started this thing. Well here's honesty for you: I don't have anything figured out. But the thing is, I don't have to have it figured out. The minute I begin relying on my own efforts is when things go terribly wrong. KEY EXAMPLE: last semester. In my head, my walk with Christ should look progressive; I should be getting better. In all aspects. But that isn't the way grace or salvation works. And He's slowly teaching me this. I am loved not for what I do, but because I am His daughter. He is my Father and He loves me unconditionally. He doesn't care about my behavior or my performance. He cares about my heart. Which can rest in the fact that I am not my own; I am His. The work that needs to be done inside of me isn't my work to be done, it's His. Just like a dead person can't choose to be alive again, my life isn't in my own hands anymore. I am unable to "fix" anything. But the Creator of the universe is perfectly capable to do so. I am not responsible for any of the cleanup.

And that is what freedom in Christ is. And it's good.

A Puritan Prayer

 - Thank you to my friend Andrew Whited for sharing. I hope it blesses y'all as much as it blessed me. -

Holy Lord, I have sinned times without number, and been guilty of pride and unbelief, of failure to find Thy mind in Thy Word, of neglect to seek Thee in my daily life. My transgressions and short-comings present me with a list of accusations, but I bless Thee that they will not stand against me, for all have been laid on Christ. Go on to subdue my corruptions, and grant me grace to live above them. Let not the passions of the flesh nor lustings of the mind bring my spirit into subjection, but do Thou rule over me in liberty and power.

I thank Thee that many of my prayers have been refused. I have asked amiss and do not have, I have prayed from lusts and been rejected, I have longed for Egypt and been given a wilderness. Go on with Thy patient work, answering 'no' to my wrongful prayers, and fitting me to accept it. Purge me from every false desire, every base aspiration, everything contrary to Thy rule. I thank Thee for Thy wisdom and Thy love, for all the acts of discipline to which I am subject, for sometimes putting me into the furnace to refine my gold and remove my dross.

No trial is so hard to bear as a sense of sin. If Thou shouldst give me choice to live in pleasure and keep my sins, or to have them burnt away with trial, give me sanctified affliction. Deliver me from every evil habit, every accretion of former sins, everything that dims the brightness of Thy grace in me, everything that prevents me taking delight in Thee. Then I shall bless Thee, God of jeshurun, for helping me to be upright.

Still Alive

This post is so overdue, it's not even funny. I am still alive, no worries! haha

I guess I could start with catching you guys up on what's been going on lately:

• In my last post I said I was going to go watch a documentary - Nefarious; Merchant of Souls. And it tore me to pieces. My heart was broken by the harsh reality of modern day slavery and sex-trafficking going on right around us, that we all choose to ignore. Click here to learn more about the documentary and maybe schedule a viewing in your town. Trust me, you won't regret it. 

• After seeing that video, I watched another documentary a few days later called Beware of Christians. IT WAS AMAZING. God really used that video to slap me in the face and wake me up to what it really means to be a Christian. Cutting out religion and just following Jesus. I bought the dvd and now show it to everybody that's willing to sit through it haha. Here's the trailer: watch it and then go here and buy a dvd and make everybody you know watch it. (name your own price!)

• I spent Thanksgiving with my family over the past two days and it was awesome. Because of my work schedule, I haven't been able to go home once this semester, so it was so so so good to be able to spend time with them. I'm going to take a moment here and show off my fam if you don't mind :)

Mom and Todd

My mawmaw and pawpaw :)

My sweet baby cousin, Alex           Omgggg I just love me some babies

•  So I'm currently reading the book of Matthew, as I have decided to reread all the gospels and gain a little bit more understanding of each. I feel like as a Christian who goes out onto the streets every weekend to share the gospel to others, I should know the gospel myself. *duh* So, still in Matthew but guys, I have never read the Bible like I have been recently. It's not a chore anymore. It's not something that takes self-motivation to do anymore. I'm LOVING it! I feel like such a dummy, missing out on the incredible words of the one and only Son of God. Jesus was the ultimate man's man. He was tough but tender, and although He was so loving and humble, He still wasn't afraid to step on any toes. It's so funny to me as I read, because time and time again the Pharisees would say crap to Jesus in front of everyone, trying to make Him look stupid; and literally every single time Jesus would just OWN them. Every single time. It's hilarious. Like every time I read an instance where they do that and Jesus just completely makes them look retarded, I can just see in my head the crowds being like

Haha but yea it's amazing, I can't read enough. I asked God to give me a hunger for His Word, and He certainly gave it to me, that's for sure. It's been great, and I encourage everybody to dive in and discover the incredible life of God who lived and walked on this earth and to read the actual words that came out of His mouth. And if you struggle with that like I did, just ask God to give you that yearning. I guarantee you, He will come through.

plain & simple:

I am completely and utterly in love with my God.
And He is completely and utterly in love with me.

Forever Alone.

Hey errbody.
I don't have anything mind-blowing to say, I'm just bored and want to talk to somebody but there's nobody here! I'm sitting on campus sippin' on the usual (Salted Caramel Mocha {hot} from Starbucks - if anybody wants to suck up to me sometime) and it is absolutely deserted. It's peaceful though. I'm waiting for 7 o'clock to roll around to watch Nefarious: Merchant of Souls. It's apparently a tell-all documentary on sex trafficking going on right around us. Supposed to be reeeeaaaally good...so if you see this before 7, go to Cater Lawn on campus - that's where they're playing it. Gooooooo. I'll give my opinion on the film after I watch it. Anyway...I wish one of you guys that's reading this was sitting across from me. I'm in talking/listening mood. But instead I am forever alone.

That last one makes me chuckle.